Circling Mountains

"You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn North" Deuteronomy 2:3 Wow.... Wow..... Wow. Wow. Wow Flipping Wow. To look at this first at a glance it can be easily dismissed as one of this Old Testament verses that does not provide much to our New Testament way of life. Unless you read that verse the day after you promise yourself that tomorrow is going to be about change. Yesterday as I shoved pumpkin loaf into my mouth I resolved that "tomorrow" I was going to start a new chapter. I was going to make changes and return to the healthy lifestyle that I used to follow. You see, in the past 10 months I have; turned 30, gotten married, became a stepmother of three children, was granted custody of my sister's child and gained 40 pounds. Let me clarify... I AM NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY. I love my husband, love my children and will provide a home for my niece for as long as she needs. During all of this however, while taking care of everyone else, I stopped taking care of myself. The busy life that comes along with taking care of a family of six while still trying to work took precedence over exercise. Eating healthy became inconvenient. And most importantly taking time for myself to recharge spiritually ceased leaving my tank on empty. And it's been empty for a while. So, back to my pumpkin loaf... as I sat there and talked myself into this "new chapter" I chuckled because it dawned on me that the next day was April Fool's. Ha ha ha how appropriate. So this morning as I woke up God reminded me of my cruel April Fool's Day prank I had pulled on myself. I got up and on with the day of getting children ready and out the door. As I sat in the Chick Fila drive-thru getting the children breakfast before school I passed on the chicken biscuit. I went into Starbucks got my coffee and splenda and the whole time I am ordering it I swear I heard the pumpkin loaf laughing at me. I stayed strong and reminded myself of this "new chapter". But how many times have I made this promise to myself. How many times have I tried and tried only to end up back where I am now. I have "circled this mountain" far too long. It's time to get over it and "turn north". Every other time in my life I have made these changes for myself. Now I have five other people who rely on me and watch my every move. I have three girls who are faced daily with the world's view of beautiful. Am I showing them what beauty real is? My resolve is not about being thin. It is about being healthy, about being a better version of myself. A version of myself that can pour spiritual insight into my children's lives. A version of myself that teaches my family that food is not a comfort or reward. A version of me that says no matter how much I weigh if I am taking care of myself from the inside out I am beautiful to the I AM. God is making changes in my family quicker than I can keep up with. He is not slowing down so I guess I better pick up the pace. The only way I am going to keep up is to "turn north".

No one said it would be easy...

I haven't blogged in a while. Typically, in the past I never blogged just for the sake of blogging. I'd wait until something significant hit me or a grandiose life lesson slapped me in the face. Well... in the 14 months since my last blog to say I have experienced significance or been slapped in the face would be an understatement. Life happened. Love happened. Laughing til you pee your pants happened. Change happened. Marriage happened. Moving happened. Motherhood happened. Career change happened. Puppies happened. Fun happened. Moving again happened. Memories happened. But you can't have all of this and not the adverse. You can't blend a family of five very different people and not experience some heartache. Or stress. Fits of irrational rage. Erratic emotions. Flaring tempers. Bitter tears. Broken hearts. Hurt feelings. Having an instant family and immediately being held accountable for every breath, every word, every move is like literally living in a fishbowl. A fishbowl filled with a roller coaster, a tilt-a-whirl and a vending machine. A vending machine full of xanax and coffee, that is. And it's me. I'd change nothing about it. Not even the hurt, the heartbreak, the sadness. Because while we covet the moments full of love, and laughter, and exciting changes, those don't necessarily make us who we are. Our growth of self and cultivation of love and relationship comes on the other side of the pain, suffering, heartbreak and discomfort. And unfortunately these feelings can spring from the decisions I make. And while I'm not perfect and I make the wrong decisions, many of my decisions are also not popular. But, I gave up on being popular a long time ago. I don't want popularity. I want righteousness, and purity, and selflessness. Becoming a wife and mother has literally turned my heart inside out. And right now in this season of hurt we are experiencing as a family, I ache. My instincts tell me to squeeze them so hard and lock them up to protect them from the world, but I can't hide them from the world. All I can do is carry myself in a way that reflects my Lord and pray for their protection. There's not been a single discussion, or disagreement that my husband and I worked through that I did not love him even more. This is true for all of the most important people in my life. Relationships worth keeping are work and while no one said it would be easy... no one said it'd be this hard.

Hapiness can come in 4s

I'm driving, or riding rather, through the mountains of Tennessee headed towards a place I used to call home. Home to memories, home to change, home to hurt, home to confusion. But the woman I was when that was home has been long gone. The woman, who when she lived in that home, thought she had it all figured out. It's funny how we think we've got the path our life will take all mapped out. We know when to go. When to turn right. When to turn left. When to speed up. Ironically, we never know when to slow down. Life is a lot better when we slow down. My life's circumstances and the man sitting next me have taught me to slow down. While my life on the outside looks extremely hectic and jammed packed, and it is, it's all at a pace that I can handle and at a pace in which I am enjoying and savoring every single moment. I'm not checking things off a list, making another set of New Year's resolutions, watching birthdays fly by. I'm breathing and enjoying a life that I never knew would exist for me. A life I hadn't mapped out, but once I slowed down it found me... or he found me. And because I didn't have this mapped out I almost missed out on one of the best things that has ever happened to me... well 4 of the best things that have ever happened to me.

I don't want your happy endings

I don't need the happy endings this world has to offer me. No more sunshine and Miley Cyrus and flowers and such. Give me raw, unadulterated passion in the most purest form. Give me loving so hard it causes me physical pain. Deep rooted emotional sentiment that hinders my ability to breathe. Give me that. You can save the roses. See, I don't need this world's sweet pleasantries because I've already been guaranteed my Happy Ending. My Father has secured a place for me. So before I partake in my eternal happy ending that I am so unworthy of, let me feel. Let me hurt for another. Let me be burdened for the lost. Let me love so hard that it causes me physical discomfort. Let every breath I have left here, here on this earth, be meaningful. Be glory filled. Be passionate..... lest I Turn to Stone....

Turn to Stone

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
my words might not seem much to you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

Resolutions

NEXT YEAR

Next Year, 

Things are gonna change,

Gonna drink less beer

And start all over again

Gonna read more books

Gonna keep up with the news

Gonna learn how to cook

And spend less money on shoes

Pay my bills on time

File my mail away, everyday

Only drink the finest wine

And call my Gran every Sunday

Resolutions

Well Baby they come and go

Will I do any of these things?

The answers probably no

But if there's one thing, I must do,

Despite my greatest fears

I'm gonna say to you

How I've felt all of these years

Next Year, Next Year, Next Year

I gonna tell you, how I feel

Once again I have referenced a song. I can't help it. Music moves me. I live better with music. Why a blog titled resolutions in April? Most people make resolutions at the dawn of a New Year. Me.... I made them last September. An inherent desire for change was so overwhelming it could no longer be ignored. Thus the birth of my "resolutions" in the Fall of 2008.... was it law I wait until January? 

My growth as a person had been propitious. Far from perfect but consistent growth as an individual mentally and spiritually had been the pattern. However, my growth was being hindered and stunted to a degree by who I was on the outside. Had I known years ago what I know now I would have embraced change much sooner. But would I have appreciated or benefited as much? Most likely not, it was all in God's timing. While my mental and spiritual health were relatively great by any one's standards, my physical health was deteriorating. Many attempts had been made in the past to address this area of my life but all with fail. My failure could be attributed to many things: half-hearted attempts, lack of support, lack of inspiration. But those are excuses and I didn't have time for excuses any longer. I had to make resolve to do this on my own. Being on my own for the past 7 years may have helped me this time. I'm stronger and acclimated to only relying on one person... myself. So, it was up to me. If I failed- my fault. If I succeeded- it was my accomplishment. 

As I sit here 6 months into my "new year" not only am I nearly 40 pounds lighter but I am a different person. I am a better version of me. The effects that this physical change has had on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually is extraordinary. 

I'm not finished. I've not arrived. There is much more work to be done and this is on-going. This is my life and it will be habitual. 

Consistent Inconsistencies

Only in North Carolina do we have 6 inches of snow on Monday and then 70 degree weather on Friday. Not only is our world in a financial crisis... even the weather is inconsistent. Driving to work I began evaluating all the external forces in my life and they too in fact are.... inconsistent. Work. Finances. Health. All of it. My decisions have been anything but consistent as well. Yet in this consistent cycle of inconsistency I know to whom I belong. The Creator of Consistency has a firm grip on me. Despite the incongruity that results from the disastrous decisions I make daily, I find grace. And in that grace I don't have to feel guilty to convince Him I am sorry. Guilt for my iniquties does not make me more spiritual.... it makes me unfaithful. Guilt says to Him I don't believe that He could possibly forgive and forget, and that is exactly what He does. I have been consumed by guilt since I knew what guilt was. Since I was young I've felt guilty for just about everything, no matter how big or small the issue. All the time I have spent groveling and groaning about my inconsistency He has been consistently forgiving me and supplying the grace and mercy that are so much sweeter than any amount of guilt. So in this world as we know it I can remain stable amidst the turmoil because I am rooted in the One who is consistent.

Blogs of the past...

I came across some old blogs that I posted on myspace over the past couple years. They are from some very "interesting" times in my life so I wanted to repost them here. 

Hope for Humanity 11/17/06

I'm not a blogger, but for some reason I feel the need to blog about this... so here goes.

My day had been less than desirable and in an attempt to make it just a bit better I headed to the mecca... Starbucks. The only intention I had was to get my hot tea and get back to the office to just get the day over with. As I stood in line with, apparently, my emotions on my sleve, I waited til it was my turn. Usually I go through the drive-thru but today for some reason I opted to go inside. Maybe in an attempt to prolong my return to the office. It was my turn and I ordered my hot tea. I was taken aback when the girl whose name I later learned was Laurie, asked me in the most genuine way a person could ask, "How are you?". The minute she asked I immediately started to tear up because, I was in fact, TERRIBLE. Any other time I would have lied, said "great", and gone on with my day. However, she really wanted to know so I told her... "I'm actually pretty terrible, but I'll get over it". No sooner had the words come out of mouth she pushed the money I had placed on the counter back towards me. I just looked at her, confused. Laurie looked at me and said.... "whatever I can do to make your day better" This made me want to cry even more, but her simple gesture made all the difference. I knew... there is still hope for humanity.

I’m in love  11/22/07

It's 6:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and I've already had my first cup of coffee..... translation.... I'm getting old. But you know what? I am SO okay with that. Today is Thanksgiving and there 39 days left in what I could call the worst year of my life but calling it "the worst year of my life" wouldn't be completely accurate. The person I have become in the last four months of my life is a direct result of the pain and suffering.... and I'm better for it. It's weird.... growing up that is, but I love it. With each joy, with each pain, with each tear (and oh my word I've shed many in the recent months) I feel myself being strecthed and pulled all in an effort to become the woman that God intended. I love the simple things... for instance my 6:30 am cup of coffee. I find joy in that.... am I crazy? I just walked in my neice's room and she's curled up in bed with her 2 jack russels and it was so sweet i started to cry..... those of you who know me well know I don't cry. The barista at Starbucks who served up my most new found joy (peppermint white chocolate mocha) and told me "it was on the house"..... yep I started to cry. And seeing my sister at the hospital last night in her scrubs a full blown nurse who has overcome so much more than i can explain overwhelms me with so much joy that a myspace blog could never do it justice. I'm in love.... in love with the small stuff. But the small stuff doesn't seem so small anymore.

t’s in the waiting  3/7/2008

Today is Friday. I call Fridays "Starbucks Day". After work I get to go to Starbucks and indlge in a full-fat-full-sugar-whatever-the-hell-i-want-latte and it tastes so good. Oh does it taste so so good. As I drove home reflecting on the hectic day that I've come to accept as normal I asked myself why it tasted so good. I've had so many coffees from starbucks. I don't want to know how much money I've spent there in my lifetime. But why is it that on Fridays when I lock the office door and head straight for the Elizabeth Ave Starbucks I forget about the hellascious week I have had? Was it because I hadn't had one in 7 days? Because I worked so hard? Because I counted carbs and got my butt kikced at the gym? Thats when it dawned on me. It's in the waiting. There are atleast 6 Starbucks within a 5 mile radius of my office. I could have made any day "Starbucks Day" this week. But I waited til Friday. I knew it would taste better. Thats what my life has been. A Waiting Room. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for Fall. Waiting for Football Season. Waiting for the next episode of Friday Night Lights. Waiting for this hole in my heart caused by the man I thought I loved to go away. Waiting for a day where there is not one painful thought of him. Waiting for the day I fully embrace the fact the my only Love is the One who has never hurt me and never will, who loved me so much inspite of my small self that He sacrificed He whom He loved. It's in the waiting and once the waiting is over it tastes so much sweeter.

As if I’ve arrived  5/3/2008

I know I've not "arrived". I mean I don't even know where the hell I am going but I know where I've been. That may sound cliche but looking back on the past year of my life I wasn't sure I'd be this okay now that I am here on the other side of this monstrocity of a year. Accomplished is a good word. My feelings as of late lean more towards a feeling of accomplishment verses that of "arriving". The past year and especially the past 2 weeks have been some of the most intense moments of my life. The sweet part is I can now see why. There is a method to the madness when the dust settles and it all starts to make sense. It took some time for the dust to settle, man did it take time. Time I wish I could have back yet time I relish for I know there is no substitute for time. It heals all wounds and I believe when the wounds heal the scars look "less like scars and more like character" (thank you S. Groves). After a year of feeling, at times, like I was literally and physcially struggling to breathe..... I can breathe.  

Why I needed today....  7/14/2008

I woke up with a migraine so great this morning that I could barely move. My first thought was "I have so much work to do. I can't miss work. People need me. I can suck it up." Much Aleve later I still couldn't shake it so I went back to bed. I woke up a couple hours later better but drained (as migraines tend to have that affect on me) I mustered up enough energy to get some coffee and the computer. Many of you that know me know I like being busy, it's who I am. But today was definitely not going to be busy here at Stoney Branch Dr. As I was sitting here sipping my coffee and getting frustrated at what I could not accomplish from the confines of my couch my Haleigh called. My 8 year-old Haleigh Page that will never talk to me on the phone bcause, like her Aunt, has trouble sitting still. I sat there chatting with her about the  things that matter to 8 year-olds like her neighbors that don't take care of their dog, tomorrow's horse back riding lessons, her apologizing for ruining my carebear suitcase I had when I was little. Before I knew it over an hour had passed. Then it dawned on me how much I needed today. To be still and focus on the little things. Had she called me while I was at the office I could not  have invested over and hour to talk with her. I think I needed that conversation just as much as she did... maybe more.