Hiding My Heart

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And you know I wish that you were here
But that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I love music and I love people who write music. It is as if God put these people on this earth to say exactly what I can't. To make sense of what I can not. Thank you Brandi Carlile.

My Outpouring

This is my outpouring. A figurative untying of my sack of ashes and pouring them out. No longer will I allow myself to be numb. I want to feel and whether I feel heartache and pain or love and elation it will be better than feeling nothing at all. My heart is so big but I've not allowed anyone in for months and months in fear of "feeling". Not feeling is safe and I've craved safety. To me safety is protection from.... from everything. All my efforts have gone into protecting myself and I've become so efficient at my version of protection. I've begun to pride myself on that fact. Protecting myself is not my job. That's Your department and I always get in Your way. It ends up wasting time and I don't want to waste anymore time. So, I am pouring it all out. My anxiety, my inadequacy, all my insecurities. They're Yours. I don't want them. I want love. I want holiness. I want righteousness and they are all found in You. Be my Center. Be my Protection. Give me a garmnet of praise. No more anger. No more hurt. No more defensiveness. Just You and only You.

I'm Ready to Make Nice

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should...

This has been my mantra and has encompassed what 2008 has been about. Amy is making peace with the demons in her life. That's what 2009 is going to be about. I'm making nice and I am tearing down walls with the demons that have decided to manifest an unecessary and unhealthy hatred in my heart. Forgive does sound good... my forgiveness may not mean a thing to him and he may never know I have forgiven him but I know. My heart knows. My heart knows the difference between bitterness and peace. She may never know the damage she has caused and expecting her to undo it is impossible. It's my cross to bear and I may be better for it. And they may never know they were the source of all these razors in my mind but I will lay it to rest because I'm ready to make nice. I need to make nice. I don't have to be invincible, the world is not mine to save. Vulnerability doesn't make me weak, it makes me teachable. Being mad has eaten at me for so long and I've missed out on a lot of living. I want to live and it's not too late. And the fact of the matter is that I truely don't have time to go round and round and round... so I won't. No justification. No compromise. Just forgiveness.

Not a Blogger of Nothing

I don't blog just to blog. I don't blog just because I'm partial to the clicking of the keyboard keys. The world does not need to know what I had for breakfast, how many hours I slept last night, or the average cost of my electric bill. My point.... I don't blog to fill space. There needs to be relevance and compassion behind that of which I am compelled to blog. Less is more, right?
One thing I am typically very careful to discuss is politics. Mainly because I will get mad and become convinced that you are stupid... you being anyone who disagrees on my views of politics. (Not really. Bless your heart for being a liberal. Lord knows you need it.) I'm registered unaffiliated. Let me set that straight right now. My frustration is not in one party or the next... my frustration comes from ignorance. And I've seen more ignorance than I can handle these last few weeks surrounding one of the most controversial elections ever. I believe more people voted for Obama because he is black or Sarah Palin because she is a woman. That is ignorance and ignorance became the means by which we elected a president. I equate this election to that of a high school homecoming court. Who is like me? Who is cooler? That's who I'm gonna vote for. What shite! And yes I mean shite! God bless America...... Lord knows we need it.
And one more thing.... to the tree hugging, subaru driving, anti-republican "lady" in front of me yesterday. The one whose bumper sticker read "pro-woman, pro-choice, anti-palin"......are you kidding me? You my friend are a walking contradiction. If you are so "pro-woman" why knock a female who has come closer to being 2nd in command of the free world? That is the epitome of a woman to be admired if you ask me..... republican, democrat, aside. Palin held her own, but unfortunately the homecoming king was crowned.... and his name is Obama.

Built for the Valley

I'm coming to the other side of one of the most difficult years of my life and just when I thought it could only get better the unthinkable happens. As I write this 8 people sit in a room and play God for 75 people.... and I could be one of these 75. I don't know. No one knows. And not knowing is terrifying. But, I'm built for the valley. It's the valley that makes me who I am. The valley makes me more like Him and oh how I want to be more like Him. My life will be drastically interrupted if I lose my job, but my life is His to interrupt. And as nervous as it makes me the only thing I can do is trust in His perfect will for 75 people at this point in time. Whether I am one of them or not I will still ache for the lives that are about to be affected.

On my mind...

I've been reading a lot lately. These are some of the things on my mind...

The rigour of rejection leaves nothing but my Lord, and myself, and a forlorn hope.

You are not ripe yet, and if God had squeezed you the wine would have been remarkably bitter.

The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend. If we have the power to rise only, something is wrong.

We are built for the valley...spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mount.

We are apt to think that everything that happens to us is to be turned into useful teaching...it is to be turned into something better than teaching... it is to be turned into character.

I don't have peace because I figured it all out. I have peace because I have Christ.

Why Starting Now?

I wanted the first post on my blog to be that song. The past year plus of my life has been transforming, abasing. However the result on the back-end of this chaos is a newer version of me. The past six days have been six of the strangest days of my life. I ventured "back home" to my 10 year high school reunion. Ten years. Insane. Being places and seeing people whom I have not seen in nearly a decade conjured up feelings and thoughts that began spinning and colliding out of control. Here I am surrounded by people with whom I have had relationships on all different levels. Some who had made me laugh. Some who made me cry. Some who made me feel like the most important person in the world... some the worst. And all but 2 of those people have no idea who I am anymore. I'm not the 18 year-old class president, subaru driving, tennis playing, want to save the world, ridiculously self conscious, innocent, girl. The fact that no one knew this present day Amy save my two best friends saddened me. Yet the fact that I was no longer that girl of 10 years ago brought such a peace and relief. I know we all change. Change is inevitable. Change is beneficial. Change is necessary. But it's our reaction to change. I have fought change hard over the past decade and change has won the battle. Up until recently I've not seen the benefits of change until I have learned to understand more about myself through my experiences and interpretations and disection of such experiences. Yes sometimes I still want to save the world but my definition of saving the world is a bit more realistic. And ofcourse I am still self conscious but I have learned to be comfortable in my skin... well still learning... my "skin" is ever evolving so I am continually learning to adjust and find my comfort. I did not grasp this at 18. I don't think I even grasped this at 27. This has been a recent realization where I have had to find a balance between caring for myself and caring for others...ergo codependency.
Being "back home" brought on the struggle of realizing its not home anymore. My home is here where change has brought me and I can't be both places. I miss "back home". I miss the familarity, the days where I knew what heart break was but never knew what it felt like. "Back home" where the people with whom I spent my time knew me since kindergarten. And where the house where i lived longer than any place I've ever before is full of some of the best memories. But like I said... this is home now. Not only is it becoming familiar but with that familairity I'm becoming comfortable. I have felt heartbreak, a pain so destructive, yet so life changing giving me a new sense of appreciation for love. And although the people have not known me as long they know ME. They know the evolved Amy. And although not physically in this new home of mine Bethany and Jill not only know the evolved Amy they have been through the evolution and loved me through the evolution. And the memories are just that. Memories that I will hold on to forever but I know the memories I have yet to make will be some of the biggest in my life yet.
So... Starting Now... I am home.