Why Starting Now?

I wanted the first post on my blog to be that song. The past year plus of my life has been transforming, abasing. However the result on the back-end of this chaos is a newer version of me. The past six days have been six of the strangest days of my life. I ventured "back home" to my 10 year high school reunion. Ten years. Insane. Being places and seeing people whom I have not seen in nearly a decade conjured up feelings and thoughts that began spinning and colliding out of control. Here I am surrounded by people with whom I have had relationships on all different levels. Some who had made me laugh. Some who made me cry. Some who made me feel like the most important person in the world... some the worst. And all but 2 of those people have no idea who I am anymore. I'm not the 18 year-old class president, subaru driving, tennis playing, want to save the world, ridiculously self conscious, innocent, girl. The fact that no one knew this present day Amy save my two best friends saddened me. Yet the fact that I was no longer that girl of 10 years ago brought such a peace and relief. I know we all change. Change is inevitable. Change is beneficial. Change is necessary. But it's our reaction to change. I have fought change hard over the past decade and change has won the battle. Up until recently I've not seen the benefits of change until I have learned to understand more about myself through my experiences and interpretations and disection of such experiences. Yes sometimes I still want to save the world but my definition of saving the world is a bit more realistic. And ofcourse I am still self conscious but I have learned to be comfortable in my skin... well still learning... my "skin" is ever evolving so I am continually learning to adjust and find my comfort. I did not grasp this at 18. I don't think I even grasped this at 27. This has been a recent realization where I have had to find a balance between caring for myself and caring for others...ergo codependency.
Being "back home" brought on the struggle of realizing its not home anymore. My home is here where change has brought me and I can't be both places. I miss "back home". I miss the familarity, the days where I knew what heart break was but never knew what it felt like. "Back home" where the people with whom I spent my time knew me since kindergarten. And where the house where i lived longer than any place I've ever before is full of some of the best memories. But like I said... this is home now. Not only is it becoming familiar but with that familairity I'm becoming comfortable. I have felt heartbreak, a pain so destructive, yet so life changing giving me a new sense of appreciation for love. And although the people have not known me as long they know ME. They know the evolved Amy. And although not physically in this new home of mine Bethany and Jill not only know the evolved Amy they have been through the evolution and loved me through the evolution. And the memories are just that. Memories that I will hold on to forever but I know the memories I have yet to make will be some of the biggest in my life yet.
So... Starting Now... I am home.

Starting Now

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know:
That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know:
That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

~ingrid michaelson~