No one said it would be easy...

I haven't blogged in a while. Typically, in the past I never blogged just for the sake of blogging. I'd wait until something significant hit me or a grandiose life lesson slapped me in the face. Well... in the 14 months since my last blog to say I have experienced significance or been slapped in the face would be an understatement. Life happened. Love happened. Laughing til you pee your pants happened. Change happened. Marriage happened. Moving happened. Motherhood happened. Career change happened. Puppies happened. Fun happened. Moving again happened. Memories happened. But you can't have all of this and not the adverse. You can't blend a family of five very different people and not experience some heartache. Or stress. Fits of irrational rage. Erratic emotions. Flaring tempers. Bitter tears. Broken hearts. Hurt feelings. Having an instant family and immediately being held accountable for every breath, every word, every move is like literally living in a fishbowl. A fishbowl filled with a roller coaster, a tilt-a-whirl and a vending machine. A vending machine full of xanax and coffee, that is. And it's me. I'd change nothing about it. Not even the hurt, the heartbreak, the sadness. Because while we covet the moments full of love, and laughter, and exciting changes, those don't necessarily make us who we are. Our growth of self and cultivation of love and relationship comes on the other side of the pain, suffering, heartbreak and discomfort. And unfortunately these feelings can spring from the decisions I make. And while I'm not perfect and I make the wrong decisions, many of my decisions are also not popular. But, I gave up on being popular a long time ago. I don't want popularity. I want righteousness, and purity, and selflessness. Becoming a wife and mother has literally turned my heart inside out. And right now in this season of hurt we are experiencing as a family, I ache. My instincts tell me to squeeze them so hard and lock them up to protect them from the world, but I can't hide them from the world. All I can do is carry myself in a way that reflects my Lord and pray for their protection. There's not been a single discussion, or disagreement that my husband and I worked through that I did not love him even more. This is true for all of the most important people in my life. Relationships worth keeping are work and while no one said it would be easy... no one said it'd be this hard.