I came across some old blogs that I posted on myspace over the past couple years. They are from some very "interesting" times in my life so I wanted to repost them here.
Hope for Humanity 11/17/06
I'm not a blogger, but for some reason I feel the need to blog about this... so here goes.
My day had been less than desirable and in an attempt to make it just a bit better I headed to the mecca... Starbucks. The only intention I had was to get my hot tea and get back to the office to just get the day over with. As I stood in line with, apparently, my emotions on my sleve, I waited til it was my turn. Usually I go through the drive-thru but today for some reason I opted to go inside. Maybe in an attempt to prolong my return to the office. It was my turn and I ordered my hot tea. I was taken aback when the girl whose name I later learned was Laurie, asked me in the most genuine way a person could ask, "How are you?". The minute she asked I immediately started to tear up because, I was in fact, TERRIBLE. Any other time I would have lied, said "great", and gone on with my day. However, she really wanted to know so I told her... "I'm actually pretty terrible, but I'll get over it". No sooner had the words come out of mouth she pushed the money I had placed on the counter back towards me. I just looked at her, confused. Laurie looked at me and said.... "whatever I can do to make your day better" This made me want to cry even more, but her simple gesture made all the difference. I knew... there is still hope for humanity.
I’m in love 11/22/07
It's 6:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and I've already had my first cup of coffee..... translation.... I'm getting old. But you know what? I am SO okay with that. Today is Thanksgiving and there 39 days left in what I could call the worst year of my life but calling it "the worst year of my life" wouldn't be completely accurate. The person I have become in the last four months of my life is a direct result of the pain and suffering.... and I'm better for it. It's weird.... growing up that is, but I love it. With each joy, with each pain, with each tear (and oh my word I've shed many in the recent months) I feel myself being strecthed and pulled all in an effort to become the woman that God intended. I love the simple things... for instance my 6:30 am cup of coffee. I find joy in that.... am I crazy? I just walked in my neice's room and she's curled up in bed with her 2 jack russels and it was so sweet i started to cry..... those of you who know me well know I don't cry. The barista at Starbucks who served up my most new found joy (peppermint white chocolate mocha) and told me "it was on the house"..... yep I started to cry. And seeing my sister at the hospital last night in her scrubs a full blown nurse who has overcome so much more than i can explain overwhelms me with so much joy that a myspace blog could never do it justice. I'm in love.... in love with the small stuff. But the small stuff doesn't seem so small anymore.
t’s in the waiting 3/7/2008
Today is Friday. I call Fridays "Starbucks Day". After work I get to go to Starbucks and indlge in a full-fat-full-sugar-whatever-the-hell-i-want-latte and it tastes so good. Oh does it taste so so good. As I drove home reflecting on the hectic day that I've come to accept as normal I asked myself why it tasted so good. I've had so many coffees from starbucks. I don't want to know how much money I've spent there in my lifetime. But why is it that on Fridays when I lock the office door and head straight for the Elizabeth Ave Starbucks I forget about the hellascious week I have had? Was it because I hadn't had one in 7 days? Because I worked so hard? Because I counted carbs and got my butt kikced at the gym? Thats when it dawned on me. It's in the waiting. There are atleast 6 Starbucks within a 5 mile radius of my office. I could have made any day "Starbucks Day" this week. But I waited til Friday. I knew it would taste better. Thats what my life has been. A Waiting Room. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for Fall. Waiting for Football Season. Waiting for the next episode of Friday Night Lights. Waiting for this hole in my heart caused by the man I thought I loved to go away. Waiting for a day where there is not one painful thought of him. Waiting for the day I fully embrace the fact the my only Love is the One who has never hurt me and never will, who loved me so much inspite of my small self that He sacrificed He whom He loved. It's in the waiting and once the waiting is over it tastes so much sweeter.
As if I’ve arrived 5/3/2008
I know I've not "arrived". I mean I don't even know where the hell I am going but I know where I've been. That may sound cliche but looking back on the past year of my life I wasn't sure I'd be this okay now that I am here on the other side of this monstrocity of a year. Accomplished is a good word. My feelings as of late lean more towards a feeling of accomplishment verses that of "arriving". The past year and especially the past 2 weeks have been some of the most intense moments of my life. The sweet part is I can now see why. There is a method to the madness when the dust settles and it all starts to make sense. It took some time for the dust to settle, man did it take time. Time I wish I could have back yet time I relish for I know there is no substitute for time. It heals all wounds and I believe when the wounds heal the scars look "less like scars and more like character" (thank you S. Groves). After a year of feeling, at times, like I was literally and physcially struggling to breathe..... I can breathe.
Why I needed today.... 7/14/2008
I woke up with a migraine so great this morning that I could barely move. My first thought was "I have so much work to do. I can't miss work. People need me. I can suck it up." Much Aleve later I still couldn't shake it so I went back to bed. I woke up a couple hours later better but drained (as migraines tend to have that affect on me) I mustered up enough energy to get some coffee and the computer. Many of you that know me know I like being busy, it's who I am. But today was definitely not going to be busy here at Stoney Branch Dr. As I was sitting here sipping my coffee and getting frustrated at what I could not accomplish from the confines of my couch my Haleigh called. My 8 year-old Haleigh Page that will never talk to me on the phone bcause, like her Aunt, has trouble sitting still. I sat there chatting with her about the things that matter to 8 year-olds like her neighbors that don't take care of their dog, tomorrow's horse back riding lessons, her apologizing for ruining my carebear suitcase I had when I was little. Before I knew it over an hour had passed. Then it dawned on me how much I needed today. To be still and focus on the little things. Had she called me while I was at the office I could not have invested over and hour to talk with her. I think I needed that conversation just as much as she did... maybe more.
