Circling Mountains

"You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn North" Deuteronomy 2:3 Wow.... Wow..... Wow. Wow. Wow Flipping Wow. To look at this first at a glance it can be easily dismissed as one of this Old Testament verses that does not provide much to our New Testament way of life. Unless you read that verse the day after you promise yourself that tomorrow is going to be about change. Yesterday as I shoved pumpkin loaf into my mouth I resolved that "tomorrow" I was going to start a new chapter. I was going to make changes and return to the healthy lifestyle that I used to follow. You see, in the past 10 months I have; turned 30, gotten married, became a stepmother of three children, was granted custody of my sister's child and gained 40 pounds. Let me clarify... I AM NOT HAVING A PITY PARTY. I love my husband, love my children and will provide a home for my niece for as long as she needs. During all of this however, while taking care of everyone else, I stopped taking care of myself. The busy life that comes along with taking care of a family of six while still trying to work took precedence over exercise. Eating healthy became inconvenient. And most importantly taking time for myself to recharge spiritually ceased leaving my tank on empty. And it's been empty for a while. So, back to my pumpkin loaf... as I sat there and talked myself into this "new chapter" I chuckled because it dawned on me that the next day was April Fool's. Ha ha ha how appropriate. So this morning as I woke up God reminded me of my cruel April Fool's Day prank I had pulled on myself. I got up and on with the day of getting children ready and out the door. As I sat in the Chick Fila drive-thru getting the children breakfast before school I passed on the chicken biscuit. I went into Starbucks got my coffee and splenda and the whole time I am ordering it I swear I heard the pumpkin loaf laughing at me. I stayed strong and reminded myself of this "new chapter". But how many times have I made this promise to myself. How many times have I tried and tried only to end up back where I am now. I have "circled this mountain" far too long. It's time to get over it and "turn north". Every other time in my life I have made these changes for myself. Now I have five other people who rely on me and watch my every move. I have three girls who are faced daily with the world's view of beautiful. Am I showing them what beauty real is? My resolve is not about being thin. It is about being healthy, about being a better version of myself. A version of myself that can pour spiritual insight into my children's lives. A version of myself that teaches my family that food is not a comfort or reward. A version of me that says no matter how much I weigh if I am taking care of myself from the inside out I am beautiful to the I AM. God is making changes in my family quicker than I can keep up with. He is not slowing down so I guess I better pick up the pace. The only way I am going to keep up is to "turn north".

No one said it would be easy...

I haven't blogged in a while. Typically, in the past I never blogged just for the sake of blogging. I'd wait until something significant hit me or a grandiose life lesson slapped me in the face. Well... in the 14 months since my last blog to say I have experienced significance or been slapped in the face would be an understatement. Life happened. Love happened. Laughing til you pee your pants happened. Change happened. Marriage happened. Moving happened. Motherhood happened. Career change happened. Puppies happened. Fun happened. Moving again happened. Memories happened. But you can't have all of this and not the adverse. You can't blend a family of five very different people and not experience some heartache. Or stress. Fits of irrational rage. Erratic emotions. Flaring tempers. Bitter tears. Broken hearts. Hurt feelings. Having an instant family and immediately being held accountable for every breath, every word, every move is like literally living in a fishbowl. A fishbowl filled with a roller coaster, a tilt-a-whirl and a vending machine. A vending machine full of xanax and coffee, that is. And it's me. I'd change nothing about it. Not even the hurt, the heartbreak, the sadness. Because while we covet the moments full of love, and laughter, and exciting changes, those don't necessarily make us who we are. Our growth of self and cultivation of love and relationship comes on the other side of the pain, suffering, heartbreak and discomfort. And unfortunately these feelings can spring from the decisions I make. And while I'm not perfect and I make the wrong decisions, many of my decisions are also not popular. But, I gave up on being popular a long time ago. I don't want popularity. I want righteousness, and purity, and selflessness. Becoming a wife and mother has literally turned my heart inside out. And right now in this season of hurt we are experiencing as a family, I ache. My instincts tell me to squeeze them so hard and lock them up to protect them from the world, but I can't hide them from the world. All I can do is carry myself in a way that reflects my Lord and pray for their protection. There's not been a single discussion, or disagreement that my husband and I worked through that I did not love him even more. This is true for all of the most important people in my life. Relationships worth keeping are work and while no one said it would be easy... no one said it'd be this hard.

Hapiness can come in 4s

I'm driving, or riding rather, through the mountains of Tennessee headed towards a place I used to call home. Home to memories, home to change, home to hurt, home to confusion. But the woman I was when that was home has been long gone. The woman, who when she lived in that home, thought she had it all figured out. It's funny how we think we've got the path our life will take all mapped out. We know when to go. When to turn right. When to turn left. When to speed up. Ironically, we never know when to slow down. Life is a lot better when we slow down. My life's circumstances and the man sitting next me have taught me to slow down. While my life on the outside looks extremely hectic and jammed packed, and it is, it's all at a pace that I can handle and at a pace in which I am enjoying and savoring every single moment. I'm not checking things off a list, making another set of New Year's resolutions, watching birthdays fly by. I'm breathing and enjoying a life that I never knew would exist for me. A life I hadn't mapped out, but once I slowed down it found me... or he found me. And because I didn't have this mapped out I almost missed out on one of the best things that has ever happened to me... well 4 of the best things that have ever happened to me.

I don't want your happy endings

I don't need the happy endings this world has to offer me. No more sunshine and Miley Cyrus and flowers and such. Give me raw, unadulterated passion in the most purest form. Give me loving so hard it causes me physical pain. Deep rooted emotional sentiment that hinders my ability to breathe. Give me that. You can save the roses. See, I don't need this world's sweet pleasantries because I've already been guaranteed my Happy Ending. My Father has secured a place for me. So before I partake in my eternal happy ending that I am so unworthy of, let me feel. Let me hurt for another. Let me be burdened for the lost. Let me love so hard that it causes me physical discomfort. Let every breath I have left here, here on this earth, be meaningful. Be glory filled. Be passionate..... lest I Turn to Stone....

Turn to Stone

let's take a better look
beyond a story book
and learn our souls are all we own
before we turn to stone

let's go to sleep with clearer heads
and hearts too big to fit our beds
and maybe we won't feel so alone
before we turn to stone

and if you wait for someone else's hand
you will surely fall down
if you wait for someone else's hand
you'll fall, you'll fall

i know that i am nothing new
my words might not seem much to you
but brother how we must atone
before we turn to stone

Resolutions

NEXT YEAR

Next Year, 

Things are gonna change,

Gonna drink less beer

And start all over again

Gonna read more books

Gonna keep up with the news

Gonna learn how to cook

And spend less money on shoes

Pay my bills on time

File my mail away, everyday

Only drink the finest wine

And call my Gran every Sunday

Resolutions

Well Baby they come and go

Will I do any of these things?

The answers probably no

But if there's one thing, I must do,

Despite my greatest fears

I'm gonna say to you

How I've felt all of these years

Next Year, Next Year, Next Year

I gonna tell you, how I feel

Once again I have referenced a song. I can't help it. Music moves me. I live better with music. Why a blog titled resolutions in April? Most people make resolutions at the dawn of a New Year. Me.... I made them last September. An inherent desire for change was so overwhelming it could no longer be ignored. Thus the birth of my "resolutions" in the Fall of 2008.... was it law I wait until January? 

My growth as a person had been propitious. Far from perfect but consistent growth as an individual mentally and spiritually had been the pattern. However, my growth was being hindered and stunted to a degree by who I was on the outside. Had I known years ago what I know now I would have embraced change much sooner. But would I have appreciated or benefited as much? Most likely not, it was all in God's timing. While my mental and spiritual health were relatively great by any one's standards, my physical health was deteriorating. Many attempts had been made in the past to address this area of my life but all with fail. My failure could be attributed to many things: half-hearted attempts, lack of support, lack of inspiration. But those are excuses and I didn't have time for excuses any longer. I had to make resolve to do this on my own. Being on my own for the past 7 years may have helped me this time. I'm stronger and acclimated to only relying on one person... myself. So, it was up to me. If I failed- my fault. If I succeeded- it was my accomplishment. 

As I sit here 6 months into my "new year" not only am I nearly 40 pounds lighter but I am a different person. I am a better version of me. The effects that this physical change has had on me mentally, emotionally, spiritually is extraordinary. 

I'm not finished. I've not arrived. There is much more work to be done and this is on-going. This is my life and it will be habitual. 

Consistent Inconsistencies

Only in North Carolina do we have 6 inches of snow on Monday and then 70 degree weather on Friday. Not only is our world in a financial crisis... even the weather is inconsistent. Driving to work I began evaluating all the external forces in my life and they too in fact are.... inconsistent. Work. Finances. Health. All of it. My decisions have been anything but consistent as well. Yet in this consistent cycle of inconsistency I know to whom I belong. The Creator of Consistency has a firm grip on me. Despite the incongruity that results from the disastrous decisions I make daily, I find grace. And in that grace I don't have to feel guilty to convince Him I am sorry. Guilt for my iniquties does not make me more spiritual.... it makes me unfaithful. Guilt says to Him I don't believe that He could possibly forgive and forget, and that is exactly what He does. I have been consumed by guilt since I knew what guilt was. Since I was young I've felt guilty for just about everything, no matter how big or small the issue. All the time I have spent groveling and groaning about my inconsistency He has been consistently forgiving me and supplying the grace and mercy that are so much sweeter than any amount of guilt. So in this world as we know it I can remain stable amidst the turmoil because I am rooted in the One who is consistent.

Blogs of the past...

I came across some old blogs that I posted on myspace over the past couple years. They are from some very "interesting" times in my life so I wanted to repost them here. 

Hope for Humanity 11/17/06

I'm not a blogger, but for some reason I feel the need to blog about this... so here goes.

My day had been less than desirable and in an attempt to make it just a bit better I headed to the mecca... Starbucks. The only intention I had was to get my hot tea and get back to the office to just get the day over with. As I stood in line with, apparently, my emotions on my sleve, I waited til it was my turn. Usually I go through the drive-thru but today for some reason I opted to go inside. Maybe in an attempt to prolong my return to the office. It was my turn and I ordered my hot tea. I was taken aback when the girl whose name I later learned was Laurie, asked me in the most genuine way a person could ask, "How are you?". The minute she asked I immediately started to tear up because, I was in fact, TERRIBLE. Any other time I would have lied, said "great", and gone on with my day. However, she really wanted to know so I told her... "I'm actually pretty terrible, but I'll get over it". No sooner had the words come out of mouth she pushed the money I had placed on the counter back towards me. I just looked at her, confused. Laurie looked at me and said.... "whatever I can do to make your day better" This made me want to cry even more, but her simple gesture made all the difference. I knew... there is still hope for humanity.

I’m in love  11/22/07

It's 6:30 in the morning on Thanksgiving Day and I've already had my first cup of coffee..... translation.... I'm getting old. But you know what? I am SO okay with that. Today is Thanksgiving and there 39 days left in what I could call the worst year of my life but calling it "the worst year of my life" wouldn't be completely accurate. The person I have become in the last four months of my life is a direct result of the pain and suffering.... and I'm better for it. It's weird.... growing up that is, but I love it. With each joy, with each pain, with each tear (and oh my word I've shed many in the recent months) I feel myself being strecthed and pulled all in an effort to become the woman that God intended. I love the simple things... for instance my 6:30 am cup of coffee. I find joy in that.... am I crazy? I just walked in my neice's room and she's curled up in bed with her 2 jack russels and it was so sweet i started to cry..... those of you who know me well know I don't cry. The barista at Starbucks who served up my most new found joy (peppermint white chocolate mocha) and told me "it was on the house"..... yep I started to cry. And seeing my sister at the hospital last night in her scrubs a full blown nurse who has overcome so much more than i can explain overwhelms me with so much joy that a myspace blog could never do it justice. I'm in love.... in love with the small stuff. But the small stuff doesn't seem so small anymore.

t’s in the waiting  3/7/2008

Today is Friday. I call Fridays "Starbucks Day". After work I get to go to Starbucks and indlge in a full-fat-full-sugar-whatever-the-hell-i-want-latte and it tastes so good. Oh does it taste so so good. As I drove home reflecting on the hectic day that I've come to accept as normal I asked myself why it tasted so good. I've had so many coffees from starbucks. I don't want to know how much money I've spent there in my lifetime. But why is it that on Fridays when I lock the office door and head straight for the Elizabeth Ave Starbucks I forget about the hellascious week I have had? Was it because I hadn't had one in 7 days? Because I worked so hard? Because I counted carbs and got my butt kikced at the gym? Thats when it dawned on me. It's in the waiting. There are atleast 6 Starbucks within a 5 mile radius of my office. I could have made any day "Starbucks Day" this week. But I waited til Friday. I knew it would taste better. Thats what my life has been. A Waiting Room. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for Fall. Waiting for Football Season. Waiting for the next episode of Friday Night Lights. Waiting for this hole in my heart caused by the man I thought I loved to go away. Waiting for a day where there is not one painful thought of him. Waiting for the day I fully embrace the fact the my only Love is the One who has never hurt me and never will, who loved me so much inspite of my small self that He sacrificed He whom He loved. It's in the waiting and once the waiting is over it tastes so much sweeter.

As if I’ve arrived  5/3/2008

I know I've not "arrived". I mean I don't even know where the hell I am going but I know where I've been. That may sound cliche but looking back on the past year of my life I wasn't sure I'd be this okay now that I am here on the other side of this monstrocity of a year. Accomplished is a good word. My feelings as of late lean more towards a feeling of accomplishment verses that of "arriving". The past year and especially the past 2 weeks have been some of the most intense moments of my life. The sweet part is I can now see why. There is a method to the madness when the dust settles and it all starts to make sense. It took some time for the dust to settle, man did it take time. Time I wish I could have back yet time I relish for I know there is no substitute for time. It heals all wounds and I believe when the wounds heal the scars look "less like scars and more like character" (thank you S. Groves). After a year of feeling, at times, like I was literally and physcially struggling to breathe..... I can breathe.  

Why I needed today....  7/14/2008

I woke up with a migraine so great this morning that I could barely move. My first thought was "I have so much work to do. I can't miss work. People need me. I can suck it up." Much Aleve later I still couldn't shake it so I went back to bed. I woke up a couple hours later better but drained (as migraines tend to have that affect on me) I mustered up enough energy to get some coffee and the computer. Many of you that know me know I like being busy, it's who I am. But today was definitely not going to be busy here at Stoney Branch Dr. As I was sitting here sipping my coffee and getting frustrated at what I could not accomplish from the confines of my couch my Haleigh called. My 8 year-old Haleigh Page that will never talk to me on the phone bcause, like her Aunt, has trouble sitting still. I sat there chatting with her about the  things that matter to 8 year-olds like her neighbors that don't take care of their dog, tomorrow's horse back riding lessons, her apologizing for ruining my carebear suitcase I had when I was little. Before I knew it over an hour had passed. Then it dawned on me how much I needed today. To be still and focus on the little things. Had she called me while I was at the office I could not  have invested over and hour to talk with her. I think I needed that conversation just as much as she did... maybe more.

Hiding My Heart

So this is how the story went
I met someone by accident
That blew me away
That blew me away

It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away, you buried them away

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face under the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I dropped you off at the train station
And put a kiss on top of your head
I watched you wave
I watched you wave
Then I went on home to my skyscrapers
Neon lights and waiting papers
That I call home
I call it home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
I'm sure you'll go one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain
The morning rain
And you know I wish that you were here
But that same old road that brought me here
Is calling me home
Is calling me home

And I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear someday
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
And I can't spend my whole life hiding my heart away

I love music and I love people who write music. It is as if God put these people on this earth to say exactly what I can't. To make sense of what I can not. Thank you Brandi Carlile.

My Outpouring

This is my outpouring. A figurative untying of my sack of ashes and pouring them out. No longer will I allow myself to be numb. I want to feel and whether I feel heartache and pain or love and elation it will be better than feeling nothing at all. My heart is so big but I've not allowed anyone in for months and months in fear of "feeling". Not feeling is safe and I've craved safety. To me safety is protection from.... from everything. All my efforts have gone into protecting myself and I've become so efficient at my version of protection. I've begun to pride myself on that fact. Protecting myself is not my job. That's Your department and I always get in Your way. It ends up wasting time and I don't want to waste anymore time. So, I am pouring it all out. My anxiety, my inadequacy, all my insecurities. They're Yours. I don't want them. I want love. I want holiness. I want righteousness and they are all found in You. Be my Center. Be my Protection. Give me a garmnet of praise. No more anger. No more hurt. No more defensiveness. Just You and only You.

I'm Ready to Make Nice

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should...

This has been my mantra and has encompassed what 2008 has been about. Amy is making peace with the demons in her life. That's what 2009 is going to be about. I'm making nice and I am tearing down walls with the demons that have decided to manifest an unecessary and unhealthy hatred in my heart. Forgive does sound good... my forgiveness may not mean a thing to him and he may never know I have forgiven him but I know. My heart knows. My heart knows the difference between bitterness and peace. She may never know the damage she has caused and expecting her to undo it is impossible. It's my cross to bear and I may be better for it. And they may never know they were the source of all these razors in my mind but I will lay it to rest because I'm ready to make nice. I need to make nice. I don't have to be invincible, the world is not mine to save. Vulnerability doesn't make me weak, it makes me teachable. Being mad has eaten at me for so long and I've missed out on a lot of living. I want to live and it's not too late. And the fact of the matter is that I truely don't have time to go round and round and round... so I won't. No justification. No compromise. Just forgiveness.

Not a Blogger of Nothing

I don't blog just to blog. I don't blog just because I'm partial to the clicking of the keyboard keys. The world does not need to know what I had for breakfast, how many hours I slept last night, or the average cost of my electric bill. My point.... I don't blog to fill space. There needs to be relevance and compassion behind that of which I am compelled to blog. Less is more, right?
One thing I am typically very careful to discuss is politics. Mainly because I will get mad and become convinced that you are stupid... you being anyone who disagrees on my views of politics. (Not really. Bless your heart for being a liberal. Lord knows you need it.) I'm registered unaffiliated. Let me set that straight right now. My frustration is not in one party or the next... my frustration comes from ignorance. And I've seen more ignorance than I can handle these last few weeks surrounding one of the most controversial elections ever. I believe more people voted for Obama because he is black or Sarah Palin because she is a woman. That is ignorance and ignorance became the means by which we elected a president. I equate this election to that of a high school homecoming court. Who is like me? Who is cooler? That's who I'm gonna vote for. What shite! And yes I mean shite! God bless America...... Lord knows we need it.
And one more thing.... to the tree hugging, subaru driving, anti-republican "lady" in front of me yesterday. The one whose bumper sticker read "pro-woman, pro-choice, anti-palin"......are you kidding me? You my friend are a walking contradiction. If you are so "pro-woman" why knock a female who has come closer to being 2nd in command of the free world? That is the epitome of a woman to be admired if you ask me..... republican, democrat, aside. Palin held her own, but unfortunately the homecoming king was crowned.... and his name is Obama.

Built for the Valley

I'm coming to the other side of one of the most difficult years of my life and just when I thought it could only get better the unthinkable happens. As I write this 8 people sit in a room and play God for 75 people.... and I could be one of these 75. I don't know. No one knows. And not knowing is terrifying. But, I'm built for the valley. It's the valley that makes me who I am. The valley makes me more like Him and oh how I want to be more like Him. My life will be drastically interrupted if I lose my job, but my life is His to interrupt. And as nervous as it makes me the only thing I can do is trust in His perfect will for 75 people at this point in time. Whether I am one of them or not I will still ache for the lives that are about to be affected.

On my mind...

I've been reading a lot lately. These are some of the things on my mind...

The rigour of rejection leaves nothing but my Lord, and myself, and a forlorn hope.

You are not ripe yet, and if God had squeezed you the wine would have been remarkably bitter.

The test of our spiritual life is the power to descend. If we have the power to rise only, something is wrong.

We are built for the valley...spiritual selfishness always wants repeated moments on the mount.

We are apt to think that everything that happens to us is to be turned into useful teaching...it is to be turned into something better than teaching... it is to be turned into character.

I don't have peace because I figured it all out. I have peace because I have Christ.

Why Starting Now?

I wanted the first post on my blog to be that song. The past year plus of my life has been transforming, abasing. However the result on the back-end of this chaos is a newer version of me. The past six days have been six of the strangest days of my life. I ventured "back home" to my 10 year high school reunion. Ten years. Insane. Being places and seeing people whom I have not seen in nearly a decade conjured up feelings and thoughts that began spinning and colliding out of control. Here I am surrounded by people with whom I have had relationships on all different levels. Some who had made me laugh. Some who made me cry. Some who made me feel like the most important person in the world... some the worst. And all but 2 of those people have no idea who I am anymore. I'm not the 18 year-old class president, subaru driving, tennis playing, want to save the world, ridiculously self conscious, innocent, girl. The fact that no one knew this present day Amy save my two best friends saddened me. Yet the fact that I was no longer that girl of 10 years ago brought such a peace and relief. I know we all change. Change is inevitable. Change is beneficial. Change is necessary. But it's our reaction to change. I have fought change hard over the past decade and change has won the battle. Up until recently I've not seen the benefits of change until I have learned to understand more about myself through my experiences and interpretations and disection of such experiences. Yes sometimes I still want to save the world but my definition of saving the world is a bit more realistic. And ofcourse I am still self conscious but I have learned to be comfortable in my skin... well still learning... my "skin" is ever evolving so I am continually learning to adjust and find my comfort. I did not grasp this at 18. I don't think I even grasped this at 27. This has been a recent realization where I have had to find a balance between caring for myself and caring for others...ergo codependency.
Being "back home" brought on the struggle of realizing its not home anymore. My home is here where change has brought me and I can't be both places. I miss "back home". I miss the familarity, the days where I knew what heart break was but never knew what it felt like. "Back home" where the people with whom I spent my time knew me since kindergarten. And where the house where i lived longer than any place I've ever before is full of some of the best memories. But like I said... this is home now. Not only is it becoming familiar but with that familairity I'm becoming comfortable. I have felt heartbreak, a pain so destructive, yet so life changing giving me a new sense of appreciation for love. And although the people have not known me as long they know ME. They know the evolved Amy. And although not physically in this new home of mine Bethany and Jill not only know the evolved Amy they have been through the evolution and loved me through the evolution. And the memories are just that. Memories that I will hold on to forever but I know the memories I have yet to make will be some of the biggest in my life yet.
So... Starting Now... I am home.

Starting Now

I want to crawl back inside my mother's womb
I want to shut out all the lights in this room
I want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink
Scrub away all these thoughts that i think of you

So life moves slowly when you're waiting for it to boil
Feel like i watch from 6 feet under the soil
Still want to hold you and kiss behind your ears
But i re count the countless tears that i lost for you

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know:
That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

I want to crawl back inside my bed of sin
I want to burn the sheets that smell like your skin
Instead I'll wash them just like kitchen rags with stains
Spinning away every piece that remains of you.

But before you finally go there's one thing you should know:
That I promise -
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
It's my world, it's not ours anymore
Starting now I'll never know your name
Starting now I'll never feel the same
Starting now I wish you never came into my world.

~ingrid michaelson~